Milton Berle

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific especially the one in the winter.

I'd like to tell you some jokes now but you'd only laugh.

Committee: A group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I can't tell you his age but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?