Lewis Grizzard

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.