Joey Adams

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

I want to die like my grandfather died . . . peacefully in his sleep. Not like the other three people screaming in the car.