Jerry Seinfeld

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

It's good to play and you must keep in practice.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

The best revenge is living well.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.