Jay Leno

I was reading in the paper today that Congress wants to replace the dollar bill with a coin. They__e already done it. It__ called a nickel.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys. It's worked for over 200 years, and Hell, we're not using it anymore.

Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.

As a politician he does everything to keep out of trouble often by not asking questions. However it does bother him that every time the doorbell rings his maid hides in the dryer.

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs.

Let me give you an idea how long ago they got married. You know where they met? . . . At a Cubs World Series game.

You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot live in a coed dorm have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!