J.A. Redmerski

I hate to say it, but shit really does happen. You just have to get over it. Beat the hell out of it by doing things that make you happy.

When I could hold my eyes open long enough, I did stare up at the rain pelting down on me. I__e never looked at it like that, straight up into the sky, and while I flinched more than I could actually see, when I could see it was absolutely beautiful. Like each drop rocketing towards me was separate from the thousands of others and for a suspended moment in time, I could glimpse it and see its delicate facets. I saw the gray clouds churning above me and felt the car shake when the wind from the traffic pushed against it. I shivered even though it__ warm enough to swim. But nothing I saw or felt or heard was as warm and fascinating as Andrew__ closeness.

The only difference between loyalty and love is that for love you do all of these things because you want to, and you would do them again, and again, and again.Loyalty is learned; love is organic.

There was no logic or any sense of purpose except that I knew I had to do something other than what I was doing, or I might not make it through this.

Dear Camryn,I never wanted it to be this way. I wanted to tell you these things myself, but I was afraid. I was afraid that if I told you out loud that I loved you, that what we had together would die with me. The truth is that I knew in Kansas that you were the one. I__e loved you since that day when I first looked up into your eyes as you glared down at me from over the top of that bus seat. Maybe I didn__ know it then, but I knew something had happened to me in that moment and I could never let you go.I have never lived the way I lived during my short time with you. For the first time in my life, I__e felt whole, alive, free. You were the missing piece of my soul, the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins. I think that if past lives are real then we have been lovers in every single one of them. I__e known you for a short time, but I feel like I__e known you forever.I want you to know that even in death I__l always remember you. I__l always love you. I wish that things could__e turned out differently. I thought of you many nights on the road. I stared up at the ceiling in the motels and pictured what our life might be like together if I had lived. I even got all mushy and thought of you in a wedding dress and even with a mini me in your belly. You know, I always heard that sex is great when you__e pregnant. ;-)But I__ sorry that I had to leave you, Camryn. I__ so sorry_I wish the story of Orpheus and Eurydice was real because then you could come to the Underworld and sing me back into your life. I wouldn__ look back. I wouldn__ fuck it up like Orpheus did.I__ so sorry, baby_I want you to promise me that you__l stay strong and beautiful and sweet and caring. I want you to be happy and find someone who will love you as much as I did. I want you to get married and have babies and live your life. Just remember to always be yourself and don__ be afraid to speak your mind or to dream out loud.I hope you__l never forget me.One more thing: don__ feel bad for not telling me that you loved me. You didn__ need to say it. I knew all along that you did.Love Always,Andrew Parrish

I want to do everything with you

Oh, this is going to be fun; he actually thinks he's teaching me something.

Pain is pain, babe. Just because one person's problem is less traumatic than another's doesn't mean they're required to hurt less.

Yesterday I thought about why I felt the need to get up at exactly the same time as the day before and do everything I did the day before. Why? What compels any of us to do the things we do when deep down a part of us just wants to break free from it all?

The moment you tell someone else is the moment you become a whiner and the world__ smallest violin starts to play. The truth is, we all have problems.

Parents have this twisted belief that anyone under the age of about twenty simply can__ know what love is, like the age to love is assessed in the same way the law assesses the legal age to drink. They think that the __motional growth_ of a teenager__ mind is too underdeveloped to understand love, to know if it__ __eal_ or not.That's completely as

I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride.

I kiss her long and deep and hard until I feel like I__ running on the fringes of my emotions; they__e tearing away at me like hands in Hell reaching out for me as I leap over the flames, trying to pull me down with them into sin, and as hard as I try to get away, a part of me wants them to take me. I want to sin. I want to kiss her.And so I do.And I don__ stop.

let yourself cry, OK? One of the worst feelings in the world is being unable to cry and eventually it_starts to make things darker.

Live in the moment... where everything is just right, take your time and limit your bad memories and you'll get wherever it is you're going a lot faster and with less bumps in the road along the way.

Just that dwelling and planning is bullshit, you dwell on the past, you can__ move forward. Spend too much time planning for the future and you just push yourself backwards, or you stay stagnant in the same place all your life. Live in the moment, where everything is just right, take your time and limit your bad memories and you__l get wherever it is you__e going a lot faster and with less bumps in the road along the way.

His face spreads into a warm smile. __s a matter of fact, no, I have never slept under the stars _ are you gettin_ all romantic on me, Camryn Bennett?_ He looks at me with a playful sideward stare.

Ultimately, it's my choice and only my choice.