Finley Peter Dunne

The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better -- it is just turning around as usual.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

There are no friends at cards or world politics.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Many a man that couldn't direct ye to th' drug store on th' corner when he was thirty will get a respectful hearin' when age has further impaired his mind.

Vice goes a long way tow'rd makin' life bearable. A little vice now an' thin is relished by th' best iv men.

Th' prisidincy is th' highest office in th' gift iv th people. Th' vice-prisidincy is th' next highest an' the lowest. It isn't a crime exactly. Ye can't be sint to jail f r it but it's a kind iv a disgrace.

A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in the ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief but they run away fr'm doubt.

The time is comin' whin not more thin hath iv us'll be rale an' th' rest'll be rubber (plastic!)

Whin a man gets to be my age he ducks political meetin's an' reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints - pro-argymints an' con-argymints an' makes up his mind ca'mly an' votes th' Dimmycratic Ticket.

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

A man's idee in a card game is war- crool devastatin' and pitiless. A lady's idee iv it is a combynation iv larceny embezzlement an' burglary.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

An appeal is when ye ask wan court to show its contempt for another court.