David Bellavia

Evan no longer tells people I fight bad guys for a living. When asked, he tells his friends that his dad talks on the phone a lot and vacuums on occasion.

Maybe it's time to stop being a soldier and go home to be a father. And a husband for Deanna. I'm not sure how.

Are you okay, man?""Yeah, I'm good."It's a lie. I wonder if I will ever be good again.

I am a Christian, but my time in Iraq has convinced me that God doesn't want to hear from me anymore. I've done things that He can never forgive. I've done them consciously. I've made decisions I must live with for years to come. I am not a victim. In each instance, I heard my conscience call for restraint, I told it to shut the fuck up and let me handle my business. All the sins I've committed, I've done with one objective: to keep my men alive.

Evan stares at me.I try to hug him. He takes a step back. I pause, my heart in my throat. I__e got to reach out to him, let myself be vulnerable. I find the courage, but he backs up again.__ou can__ go to Iraq anymore.___ know.__e looks up at Deanna, then back to me. __id you fight bad guys? You told me you weren__._ His voice is suspicious, full of accusation. He doesn__ trust me, and I don__ blame him for that.__o, Evan. I didn__ fight bad guys.__ can__ bring myself to tell him the complete truth. I want so desperately to go back into this fight. I miss it every day. I always felt I could change the world with a rifle in my hands and our flag on my shoulder.__id you get shot?_ he looks me over, apparently searching for bullet wounds.I grin a little. __o, Bud, I didn__ get shot.___eople get shot in Iraq.___es, they do._ It strikes me then that Evan for the first time has a grasp on the dangers that are faced over there. He__ six now, and the world is coming into focus for him.__eople get shot, Daddy. They die. Bad guys kill them.__ think of Edward Iwan and Sean Sims.__eah, I know they do, Evan.

I will always hate war, but will be forever proud of mine.