Chris Rock

We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!

Men lie the most,women tell the biggest lies.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Women need food, water, and complimentsThat's right.And an occasional pair of shoes.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You don__ need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that__ right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars_ five thousand dollars per bullet_ You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders. Yeah! Every time somebody get shut we__ say, __amn, he must have done something ... Shit, he__ got fifty thousand dollars worth of bullets in his ass.__nd people would think before they killed somebody if a bullet cost five thousand dollars. __an I would blow your fucking head off_if I could afford it._ ____ gonna get me another job, I__ going to start saving some money, and you__e a dead man. You__ better hope I can__ get no bullets on layaway.__o even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you wouldn't have to go to no doctor to get it taken out. Whoever shot you would take their bullet back, like "I believe you got my property.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

President of the United States is you know, our boss, so you know, the President and the First Lady are kinda like the Mom and the Dad of the country. And when your Dad says something you listen.

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.