matt-king

We don__ treat each other very well, I suppose. Even from the start. It was as though we had the seven-year itch the day we met. The day she went into a coma, I heard her telling her friend Shelley that I was useless, that I leave my socks hanging on every doorknob in the house. At weddings we roll our eyes at the burgeoning love around us, the vows that we know will morph into new kinds of promises: I vow not to kiss you when you__e trying to read. I will tolerate you in sickness and ignore you in health. I promise to let you watch that stupid news show about celebrities, since you__e so disenchanted with your own life.Joanie and I were urged by her brother, Barry, to subject ourselves to counseling as a decent couple would. Barry is a man of the couch, a believer in weekly therapy, affirmations, and pulse points. Once he tried to show us exercises he__ been doing in session with his girlfriend. We were instructed to trade reasons, abstract or specific, why we stayed with each other. I started off by saying that Joanie would get drunk and pretend I was someone else and do this neat thing with her tongue. Joanie said tax breaks. Barry cried. Openly. His second wife had recently left him for someone who understood that a man didn__ do volunteer work.

Reina sounds awesome,_ Sid says. ____ digging her more and more.___ere you there?_ I ask. __ave you seen one of these movies?___o,_ Scottie says.__cottie,_ Alex says, kicking Sid in the ribs. __eina is a fuckedup ho bag, and you need to stay away from her. I__e already told you that. Do you want to end up like me?___es,_ Scottie says.__ mean the earlier me, when I was yelling at Mom.___o,_ Scottie says.__ell, Reina is going to be a crackhead, and she__ going to get used. She__ a twat. Say it.___wat,_ Scottie says. She gets up and runs across the room, saying, __wat twat twat twat twat.___oly shit,_ Sid says. __his is some messed-up parenting. Isn__ it?__lex shrugs. __aybe. I guess we__l see.___ don__ get it,_ I say. __ don__ know what to do. These things she does, they keep happening.___t will go away,_ Alex says.__ill it? I mean, look at how you kids talk. In front of me, especially. It__ like you don__ respect authority.__he kids stare at the television. I tell them to get out. I__ going to bed.

There__ something different about her. I realize it__ her breasts__hey__e huge. I see that she__ stuffed her bikini top with wet balls of sand.__hat is that?_ I say. __cottie. Your suit.__he shields her eyes with her hand and looks down at her chest. __each boobs,_ she says.__ake that out of there,_ I say. __lex. Why__ you let her do that?__lex is on her stomach, with the straps of her top untied. She lifts her head toward Scottie. __ didn__ know. Take them out, stupid.__id lifts his head. __onestly,_ he says, __ig boobs look kind of fatty.___s Bebe says, boobs suck,_ Alex says, __nd Sid__ full of shit. He loves big boobs.___ho__ Bebe?_ Scottie lets the sand fall out of her top.__haracter from South Park,_ Sid says. __nd I love small boobs, too, Alex. I__ an equal-opportunity employer.

I hope she can__ tell that I__ appraising her and that I__ completely worried by what I see. She__ excitable and strange. She__ ten. What do people do during the day when they__e ten? She runs her fingers along the window and mumbles, __his could give me bird flu,_ and then she forms a circle around her mouth with her hand and makes trumpet noises. She__ nuts. Who knows what__ going on in that head of hers, and speaking of her head, she most definitely could use a haircut or a brushing. There are small tumbleweeds of hair resting on the top of her head. Where does she get haircuts? I wonder. Has she ever had one before? She scratches her scalp, then looks at her nails. She wears a shirt that says I__ NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. BUT I CAN BE! I__ grateful that she isn__ too pretty, but I realize this could change.

I__ like you to come to Kauai with me,_ I say. __nd Scottie. I think it would be good to get her away from the hospital for a day. We can leave in the morning, find him, and be home tomorrow night. If it takes us a day longer, that__ fine, but we won__ stay more than two nights. That__ our deadline. If we don__ find him, then at least we know we tried.___nd this will make you feel better somehow?___t__ for her,_ I say. __ot for him or me.___hat if he__ a wreck? What if he loses his shit?___hen I__l take care of him._ I imagine Brian Speer wailing on my shoulder. I imagine him and my daughters by Joanie__ bed, her lover and his loud sobs shaming us. __ust so you know, I am angry. I__ not this pure and noble guy. I want to do this for her, but I also want to see who he is. I want to ask him a few things.___ust call him. Tell his office it__ an emergency. They__l have him call you.___ want to tell him in person. I haven__ told anyone over the phone, and I don__ want to start now.___ou told Troy.___roy doesn__ count. I just need to do this. On the phone he can escape. If I see him in person, he__l have nowhere to go.__e both look away when our eyes meet. She hasn__ crossed the border into my room. She never does during her nighttime doorway chats.__ere you guys having trouble?_ Alex asks. __s that why she cheated?___ didn__ think we were having trouble,_ I say. __ mean, it was the same as always.__his was the problem, that our marriage was the same as always. Joanie needed bumps. She needed rough terrain. It__ funny that I can get lost in thoughts about her, but when she was right in front of me, I didn__ think much about her at all.__ wasn__ the best husband,_ I say.Alex looks out the window to avoid my confession. __f we go on this trip, what will we tell Scottie?___he__l think we__e going on a trip of some sort. I want to get her away from here.

TIA OR TARA has stopped applying makeup to my wife__ face and is looking at Scottie with disapproval. The light is hitting this woman__ face, giving me an opportunity to see that she should perhaps be working on her own makeup. Her coloring is similar to a manila envelope. There are specks of white in her eyebrows, and her concealer is not concealing. I can tell my daughter doesn__ know what to do with this woman__ critical look.__hat?_ Scottie asks. __ don__ want any makeup._ She looks at me for protection, and it__ heartbreaking. All the women who model with Joanie have this inane urge to make over my daughter with the notion that they__e helping her somehow. She__ not as pretty as her older sister or her mother, and these other models think that slapping on some rouge will somehow make her feel better about her facial fate. They__e like missionaries. Mascara thumpers.__ was just going to say that I think your mother was enjoying the view,_ Tia or Tara says. __t__ so pretty outside. You should let the light in.__y daughter looks at the curtain. Her little mouth is open. Her hand reaches for a tumbleweed of hair.__isten here, T. Her mother was not enjoying the view. Her mother is in a coma. And she__ not supposed to be in bright light.___y name is not T,_ she says. __y name is Allison.___kay, then, Ali. Don__ confuse my daughter, please._____ turning into a remarkable young lady,_ Scottie says.__amn straight._ My heart feels like one of Scottie__ clogs clomping down the hall. I don__ know why I became so angry.

We need to get home and put some ointments and ice on the stings. Vinegar will make it worse, so if you thought Giraffe Boy could pee on you, you__e shit out of luck.__he agrees as if prepared for this__he punishment, the medication, the swelling, the pain that hurts her now and the pain that will hurt her later. She seems okay with my disapproval. She__ gotten her story, after all, and she__ beginning to see how much easier physical pain is to tolerate than emotional pain. I__ unhappy that she__ learning this at such a young age.__he hospital will have ointments and ice,_ she says.

You__e already said that,_ Alex says. __hy should I go?___ou__e the only person I have,_ I say. __nd I want us all to be together. It will be good for us.___h, so now I__ back in the picture again.___lex. Something bigger than you is occurring right now. I__ sorry about your unhappy childhood.__he glares at me in that special way of hers and Joanie__ that makes me feel worthless and foul-smelling.__o we__l tell Scottie we__e going on a vacation while Mom is in the hospital?___t__ for a day or two,_ I say. __cottie__ been in the hospital every day for almost a month now. She needs a break. It__ not good for her. I__ like you to be in charge of answering any questions she may have. She looks up to you. She__l hang on whatever you say.____ hoping a leadership role, a specific chore, will make Alex act like an adult and treat Scottie well.__an you do that?__he shrugs.__f you can__ handle things, let me know. I__l help. I__ here for you.__lex laughs. I wonder if there are parents who can say things to their kids like __ love you_ or ____ here for you_ without being laughed at. I have to admit it__ a bit uncomfortable. Affection, in general, is unpleasant to me.__hat if Mom doesn__ make it for two days?___he will,_ I say. ____l tell her what we__e doing.__lex looks uncomfortable with this idea, that what I__l say will make her mother want to live. ____ bringing Sid,_ she says. __f he doesn__ come, then I__ not going.____ about to protest, but I see the look in her eyes and know this is yet another battle that I__ bound to lose. Something about this guy is helping her. And Scottie seems to like him. He can keep her distracted. He can work for me.__kay,_ I say. __eal.

I look in the jewelry box where Joanie found the drugs. She showed me a miniature Ziploc bag filled with a clear, hard rock.__hat is this?_ I said. I never did drugs, so I had no idea. Heroin? Cocaine? Crack? Ice? __hat is this?_ I screamed at Alex, who screamed back, __t__ not like I shoot it!__ plastic ballerina pops up and slowly twirls to a tinkling song whose sound is discordant and deformed. The pink satin liner is dirty, and other than a black pearl necklace, the box holds only rusty paper clips and rubber bands noosed with Alex__ dark hair. I see a note stuck to the mirror and pick up the jewelry box and move the ballerina aside. She twirls against my finger. The note says, I wouldn__ hide them in the same place twice.I let out a short breath through my nose. Good one, Alex. I close the jewelry box and shake my head, missing her tremendously. I wish she never went back to boarding school, and I don__ understand her sudden change of plans. What did they fight about? What could have been so bad?

I lean down so that my face is right in front of hers and whisper, __e doesn__ love you. I love you.

Say goodbye to your mom.__cottie pauses, then keeps going.__cottie.___ye!_ she yells.I grab her arm. I could yell at her for wanting to leave, but I don__. She pulls her arm out of my grasp. I look up to see if anyone is watching us, because I don__ think you__e supposed to aggressively hold children these days. Gone are the days of spanking, threats, and sugar. Now there are therapy, antidepressants, and Splenda.

Do you guys have sunscreen?_ I ask.__o,_ Scottie says. __o we have water?___id you bring any?_ Alex asks.__o,_ I say.Alex pops her head up. __id you bring snacks for us?___e can walk to town.__ow do mothers manage to bring everything a child could need?

My God,_ she says. __ feel like I__e gone through a car wash.__ laugh, or force myself to, because it__ not something I__ normally laugh at.__hat about you?_ she says to Scottie. __ow did you make out?_____ a boy,_ Scottie says. __ook at me.__and has gotten into the bottom of her suit, creating a huge bulge. She scratches at the bulge. ____ going to go to work now,_ she says. I think she__ impersonating me and that Mrs. Speer is getting an unrealistic, humiliating glimpse.__cottie,_ I say. __ake that out.___t must be fun to have girls,_ Mrs. Speer says.She looks at the ocean, and I see that she__ looking at Alex sunbathing on the floating raft. Sid leans over Alex and puts his mouth to hers. She raises a hand to his head, and for a moment I forget it__ my daughter out there and think of how long it has been since I__e been kissed or kissed like that.__r maybe you have your hands full,_ Mrs. Speer says.__o, no,_ I say. __t__ great,_ and it is, I suppose, though I feel like I__e just acquired them and don__ know yet. __hey__e been together for ages._ I gesture to Alex and Sid. I don__ understand if they__e a couple or if this is how all kids in high school act these days.Mrs. Speer looks at me curiously, as if she__ about to say something, but she doesn__.__nd boys._ I gesture to her little dorks. __hey must keep you busy.___hey__e a handful. But they__e at such a fun age. It__ such a joy.__he gazes out at her boys. Her expression does little to convince me that they__e such a joy. I wonder how many times parents have these dull conversations with one another and how much they must hide. They__e so goddamn hyper, I__ do anything to inject them with a horse tranquilizer. They keep insisting that I watch what they can do, but I truly don__ give a fuck. How hard is it to jump off a diving board?My girls are messed up, I want to say. One talks dirty to her own reflection. Did you do that when you were growing up?__our girls seem great, too,_ she says. __ow old are they?___en and eighteen. And yours?___en and twelve.___h,_ I say. __reat.___our younger one sure is funny,_ she says. __ mean, not funny. I meant entertaining.___h, yeah. That__ Scottie. She__ a riot.

I had to ask Scottie what TYVM meant, because now that I__e narrowed into her activities, I notice she is constantly text-messaging her friends, or at least I hope it__ her friends and not some perv in a bathrobe.__hank you very much,_ Scottie said, and for some reason, the fact that I didn__ get this made me feel completely besieged. It__ crazy how much fathers are supposed to know these days. I come from the school of thought where a dad__ absence is something to be counted on. Now I see all the men with camouflage diaper bags and babies hanging from their chests like little ship figureheads. When I was a young dad, I remember the girls sort of bothered me as babies, the way everyone raced around to accommodate them. The sight of Alex in her stroller would irritate me at times__he__ hang one of her toddler legs over the rim of the safety bar and slouch down in the seat. Joanie would bring her something and she__ shake her head, then Joanie would try again and again until an offering happened to work and Alex would snatch it from her hands. I__ look at Alex, finally complacent with her snack, convinced there was a grown person in there, fooling us all. Scottie would just point to things and grunt or scream. It felt like I was living with royalty. I told Joanie I__ wait until they were older to really get into them, and they grew and grew behind my back.