humor

Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck.

Give to the world the best you have and the best will come back to you.

I don't have a command for 'stop wagging your tail'.

For white people, nothing makes them appreciate the gift of life more than voluntarily trying to end it.

Writing isn__ necessarily a gift it is a passion. You can write a one page masterpiece to 99 pages of crap. What keeps you coming back is that Zen moment when you enlightened your own self with a few cleverly arranged words and saved yourself a $200 trip to the shrink, by simply buying a #2 pencil.

Smartass Disciple: Master, what is the secret recipe of your happiness?Master of Stupidity: If I tell you, there is nobody left to be made fun of.

There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof Ihope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am notunderstood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profoundis couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentenceis printed in a different character shall be judged to contain somethingextraordinary either of wit or sublime.

...hanging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe does not make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, nor even HIV - I hate to say it - none of these make one an artist. They can help, but just as being gay does not make one witty (you can suck a mile of cock, as my friend Sarah Thyre puts it, it still won't make you Oscar Wilde, believe me), the only thing that makes one an artist is making art. And that requires the precise opposite of hanging out; a deeply lonely and unglamorous task of tolerating oneself long enough to push something out.

To call yourself an author takes publishing one book. To call yourself an inspirational author is the work of a lifetime that requires being constantly kicked in the stomach, only to get back up on your feet and show the world how you survived it each time.

I am Orafoura, but you can call me Jarod Kintz. I__ fairly proud to proclaim that Dora J. Arod has me on her short list of __orld__ worst writers._ The list couldn__ get any shorter, because I__ the only name on it. I should tell her to stop calling it a list, and change the title to __orld__ worst writer._ If you__e wondering why I rate all my work one star, it__ because the rating system doesn__ have a zero star option, or better yet, go into negative numbers.

I don't know why anyone would be scared of a homeless person. The truly scary people are all the murder mystery writers. They spend all day thinking of the perfect plot on how to kill someone and get away with it.

A writer__ brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It__ also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it__ demons that keep a tortured writer__ spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they__l give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won__ do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.

I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot of mad pages.

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.

Walter Scott has no business to write novels, especially good ones. _ It is not fair. _ He has fame and profit enough as a poet, and should not be taking the bread out of other people__ mouths. _ I do not like him, and do not mean to like Waverley if I can help it _ but fear I must.

Don__ ever trust anyone who__ writing a book. They make up lies for a living.

Jenny Marzen is who again?" Amy knew perfectly well who she was. Jenny Marzen was hot, hotter than Amy had ever been, and Jenny Marzen would be washed up in ten years and didn't know it. "And Jenny is my number one fan?""No, but she likes you. She read your stories in grad school.""What is she, twelve?""The point is, she really liked the article, and all that stuff about experience and news. Lex says she says you've got gravitas.""That's a dirty lie. I never even had mono.

I soon forgot about my bedraggled appearance. Until, that is, an old man shuffled in and propped himself, hunched and wheezing, over the check-in desk. Karen asked him if he needed assistance. __o,_ he grunted sucking on his teeth, __our wet-T-shirt librarian with the punk rock hair is helping me out just fine.