Colin Nissan

A writer__ brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It__ also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it__ demons that keep a tortured writer__ spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they__l give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won__ do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.

How rude of me, we haven__ even introduced ourselves. We__e the Andersons. I__ Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we__e very fit and active. You know what our family__ average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.You may have noticed that I__ carrying Amy on my back. We do that a lot. At least once a day, and not just when we__e in fields like this; we do it on beaches and in urban environments as well. That__ what happens when your love is deep and playful like ours. You should also know that we also dab frosting on each other__ noses every single time we eat cupcakes, which is both mischievous and very us. Do you guys even eat cupcakes?

Writing is a muscle. Smaller than a hamstring and slightly bigger than a bicep, and it needs to be exercised to get stronger. Think of your words as reps, your paragraphs as sets, your pages as daily workouts. Think of your laptop as a machine like the one at the gym where you open and close your inner thighs in front of everyone, exposing both your insecurities and your genitals. Because that is what writing is all about.

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you__e attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

LEARN FROM THE MASTERS: Mark Twain once said, __how, don__ tell._ This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like __how, don__ tell._ Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.

By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can be dangerous. I__e heard about kids catching the flu and chicken pox, even Judaism.And how about those poor kids lugging all those heavy books to and from school every day? My books never went anywhere, just like me. I felt so bad when I__ see kids on my street giggling and chasing each other around with those awkward backpacks.