Sarah E. Olson

I've been depressed all day. I feel like such a fraud. People say how special and wonderful I am. I think,"Can't they tell? "__ita, September 18, 1984

I spent most of my life believing lwas crazy because all the crazy things I experienced in childhood were treated as nonexistent or normal. This belief colored every decision made, from something so basic as what to wear today, to the more esoteric boundaries of whether I should kill myself. I understood very well that killing myself under the wrong circumstances would establish my insanity forever. So I analyzed every word, every gesture, before committing myself. (Which probably accounts for why I am alive today.)

Being in a state of denial is auniversally human response tosituations which threaten tooverwhelm. People who were abusedas children sometimes carry theirdenial like precious cargo without aport of destination. It enabled us tosurvive our childhood experiences, and often we still live in survival mode decades beyond the actual abuse. We protect ourselves to excess because we learned abruptly and painfully that no one else would.

July 15, 1991Nita: My mother was a paragon of our neighborhood, People always come up to us with hugs, saying "You have the most wonderful mother." l'd think. __on't you see what's going on in this house?_ To this day, if somehow even in jest raises their hand to me, I will do this (raises hands to protect face and cowers) I cringe. Then they look at me like, what's your probem? You don't get that from a great childhood.

Even greater than my fear that l was crazy, was my lifelong dread that someone would find out.

Howard: Sometimes a betrayal can be so subtle that it clouds the whole thing.Nita: It would have to be a real betrayal. Not like canceling an appointment. It would be like you__ end the relationship in the middle.Howard: Why would I call it off?Nita: I don__ know!

One must consider that small children are virtually incapable of making much impact on their world. No matter what path taken as achild, survivors grow up believing they should have done something differently.Perhaps there is no greater form ofsurvivor guilt than __ didn't try to stop it." Or __ should have told." The legacy of a helpless, vulnerable, out-of-control, and humiliated child creates an adult who is generally tentative, insecure, and quite angry. The anger is not often expressed, however, as it is not safe to be angry with violent people. Confrontation and con_ct are dif_ult for many survivors.

Nita: I think I overdid the vulnerability stuff in this last letter. and that__ why I__ having an anxiety attack.Howard: With the vulnerability comes the possibility that you__l be betrayed. Now that you__e laid yourself wide open, I am the agent of this betrayal? It__ not my style.Nita: I__e thought it wasn't other people__ style, too.

We say, "It wasn't that bad. It was all my fault. I__ making all this stuff up. "All my life, I spoke bitterly of my mother's treatment of me as a child.Friends asked, __hat did she do to you?_ I couldn't really describe it, and in frustration would say, __ell, she didn't lock us up in closets." in fact, my mother behaved much worse than that, but by focusing on the empty closet, I avoided looking at what waited beyond it.

The reality is, no matter what you were told, whatever happened to you as a child was not legally or morally your fault. Abused children are instilled with guilt regarding their "participation." It's an especially complex issue if the abuser is a family member. The child is told and believes that by his word his family will disintegrate, or harm may descend upon other loved ones. He fears he will lose more by telling than not.