Robert Benchley

Streets flooded. Please advise.

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Go jogging? And get hit by a meteor?

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class and with children.