Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.