Kady Hunt

I go towards him and put my hands on his face and I kiss him. __hat do you feel, Holden?__e looks into my eyes. __ou,_ he says. __ feel you.

I want to say that yes, it was worth it; that I could suffer through pain and torture for her and go through a lot more than what Puck and his friends are capable of, and I can do it for all of eternity; suffer, until she realizes how much I love her. But she__ gone before I can say any of it. I wait till she__ left.And then I reach for my wallet.Hidden inside one of the flaps is a piece of paper that barely conceals a razorblade. Its frayed edges still have my blood on them. The blood is from the previous cuts I__e made and I carry it around like a trophy, like Dexter carries around his victims_ blood on slides. I use that blade to give myself a cut and it starts bleeding. Right away, it feels as though the pressure that has been building inside me ever since that confrontation with Puck is lifted. I feel free again.

There__ nothing.Nothing to hold on to while the current takes me.Whatever I might have had until today, I__e lost.I feel my love for her, swelling; bloating into something that__ about to explode, like an abscess that__ been allowed to rot for too long, but the pain drowns it so completely I know I__ never coming back out. This feeling, that you__e choking and that your body is underwater, immersed in the ocean, a dense flood that overpowers your breathing abilities, and your will to survive gets drowned right along with it. And as I__ drowning I see her face and hear her voice__nd it doesn__ give me hope, it terrifies me. I__ terrified because I know she__ going to be the death of me. I__ terrified because I know I won__ be able to cope. I__ terrified because the darkness is the only true friend I__e ever had and if it wants to embrace me I don__ have the power to make it stop.

When they ask me why I jumped off the roof of my brother__ apartment building, I will tell them it was because I wanted the sky to mourn me.And because I wanted to know what it feels like to hit something so hard it shatters me into bits that they can never sew back together.

The pain I feel from the razor blade doesn__ even come close to what I__ feeling inside so it__ useless because the equation is messed up: because razor blade pain should be equal to or greater than the heartache, that__ just CUTTING 101. And if it__ not__ell you__e fucked, my friend. It was nice knowing you, but you know what time it is?It__ time to let to let the darkness in.Quid pro quo and all that.It__ time to find something more agonizing than the touch of the blade.

I__e never felt this lonely.But then I__e never witnessed someone falling apart. Even his blank stare, as he watches his world crumble around himself, is beautiful. And I__e never seen someone break so perfectly. And all I can do is watch because he won__ let me in.Because just like his darkness, his misery is his own.But what does that make me?A passerby?No.I can__ just stand by.Why doesn__ he understand that I can__ watch him fall apart? That the sharp ends of the broken glass that is his heart, cut me too.