Josh Stern

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything_.but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service_.that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time