Jackie Mason

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Predictions are preposterous.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Ladies and gentlemen you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Right now I have enough money to last me the rest of my life - unless I buy something.