George Burns

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family ... in another city.

Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)