Garrison Keillor

I used to think that kid might become a preacher. Now I don't see how he's going to stay out of prison. Nobody in this family ever went to prison for sex crimes. He'd be the first."Yes," says Jesus, "you never know about these things."He and Grandpa are drinking cups of coffee and eating ginger snaps. Grandpa says, "When are you planning to return to earth?"Soon as I finish this coffee," say Jesus. "Pretty good, isn't it.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

I was an English major at the University of Minnesota, and I was very shy, which many people misinterpreted as intelligence. On the basis of that wrong impression, I became the editor of the campus literary magazine.

I write for a radio show that, no matter what, will go on the air Saturday at five o'clock central time. You learn to write toward that deadline, to let the adrenaline pick you up on Friday morning and carry you through, to cook up a monologue about Lake Wobegon and get to the theater on time.

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Thank you for the rain. And for the chance to wake up in three hours and go fishing: I thank you for that now, because I won't feel so thankful then.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

Humor has to surprise us; otherwise, it isn't funny. It's a death knell for a writer to be labeled a humorist because then it's not a surprise anymore.

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

A romp in the hay lingers like the first line of a song but your true love is the one you make a life with and write more than a line about you write a whole book.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don__ have time for everything.