Dick Gregory

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It's not enough, but it helps.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.

I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.

When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening - there wasn't no 24-hour news.

My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn't a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

It's cool to be healthy.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighbourhood after dark.

I won't say I'm out of condition now - but I even puff going downstairs.