Conan O'Brien

Thirty-five things have to go wrong for the best thing to happen in your career

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They__e both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I__ always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.

A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.

There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.

All I ask is one thing, and I__ asking this particularly of young people: please don__ be cynical. I hate cynicism, for the record, it__ my least favorite quality and it doesn__ lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you__e kind, amazing things will happen.

Applaud my idiocy.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.

President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

When all else fails, there's always delusion.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'