Artie Lange

You haven__ lived till you__e played Scrabble in a psych ward.

I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But the worst trick time plays on you is just how slowly the worst times in your life take you to live through.

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.