rachel-jackson

After a few minutes, she speaks up again. __ou__e next. Sing.__nxiety grips Hallelujah__ chest, squeezing. __ don__ sing,_ she says.____on, it doesn__ matter if you__e bad. It__ not like this is a concert hall____he__ not bad._ Jonah__ back. __he has a great voice.__achel swings around to look from Jonah to Hallelujah. __eally? Now you have to____o."__ut____ don__ sing,_ Hallelujah repeats, turning away.Jonah joins them by the fire. The silence stretches out. Except it__ not really silent, not with the birds and wind and fire and how loud Hallelujah__ heart is beating. And then Jonah clears his throat. __ou used to sing,_ he says. __ou were great.__allelujah ignores the compliment. She looks into the fire. She feels the last of the day__ happiness fading away, already a memory.__hy__ you quit?_ Jonah asks. __as it __ause of Luke?__allelujah inhales deeply. She feels the familiar spark of anger in her gut. __es,_ she says. __t was because of Luke. And you. And everyone else. So thanks for that._ Jonah__ face drops. She can see that she__ hit a nerve. Well, he hurt her first. The way he took Luke__ side, shutting her out. The loss of his friendship, when she needed a friend most. The loss of their voices harmonizing, when she needed music most. How she just hurt him can__ begin to compare to all of that.

So how did you think about him?_ Rachel asks.Hallelujah shrugs. __e were friends. Good friends. He knew__nows__ lot about me. I guess I know a lot about him. Stuff he likes and doesn__ like.__achel looks skeptical. __nd yet you never knew he liked you.___o! I mean__hen Jonah and I were friends, I liked Luke. So maybe I missed some signs.___o you just . . . hung out? Platonically?___eah. I guess._ Hallelujah thinks about how to explain it. How to distill a friendship down to its most basic components. __e had choir together last year. We talked. For kind of the first time, even though we__ been in church and school together since fourth grade.___nd, what, you found out you had so much in common?___ctually, no. But we started comparing music we liked, and a month into ninth grade, Jonah made me this mix of songs. Based on what we__ talked about. So then I made him a mix. And it grew from there. We__ go to each other__ houses, watch movies, listen to music, that kind of thing. Hanging out.___o tell me about Jonah. Something only you know.___m. He__ probably deny it, but he got really into the Harry Potter books. Like, really into them. I loaned him my box set last spring. He got so mad at me for not warning him how Book Six ends.__achel laughs. __e didn__ see the movies?___o. But I told him we couldn__ watch them until he__ finished the books.

Hallelujah can barely breathe through the pain of each step. Rachel is panting from the effort of holding Hallelujah up. Still, when they get closer to the clearing, Rachel manages to call out: __onah! Help!__here__ a rustling noise up ahead. Twigs snapping. And then Jonah appears. His face is in shadow, but his voice is worried: __hat happened?___ turned my ankle,_ Hallelujah says. ____ okay.___he__ not okay,_ Rachel gasps. __he can__ put weight on it. Can you carry her?__onah doesn__ hesitate. He wraps one arm around Hallelujah__ waist, and then he scoops up her legs with the other. In a single, fluid motion, she__ off the ground. She holds on to his shoulders. For a second, she thinks about how strange this is__o be held like this, to be held by Jonah.

So what was Jonah like before high school? As a kid?___s a kid?_ Hallelujah brings up the picture in her mind. __e was . . . sweet, I guess. Dorky. He__ wear these outfits his mom picked out__leated khaki pants and polo shirts, with his hair slicked down with gel. And he would get really enthusiastic about things. Too enthusiastic. He went through this cowboy phase where he wore a cowboy hat and boots to school every day. Didn__ care what anyone thought._ The mental image makes her smile.__nd he and Luke were best friends?___tarting in middle school, yeah. They played soccer together.___uh._ Rachel pauses. __o when did Jonah get cute?___e was still pretty short in middle school. And skinny. But he did start dressing better.___o more pleated khakis?___o more pleated khakis. And then the summer before ninth grade, he had this growth spurt. And he started to, uh, fill out. So I guess ninth grade is when I noticed . . ._ Hallelujah fades off. __his is embarrassing.___o, it__ not. This is what girls talk about._ Rachel grins. __esides. I wanted to see if you were paying as close attention to him as he was to you.___ didn__ realize I was. We were just friends.___ou can be friends and still objectively notice someone__ cuteness.

Luke said that he was surprised when I showed up at his room. That he hadn__ meant to give me the wrong idea. That he would never have taken it beyond just kissing. And he looked so genuine. So trustworthy. So sorry about what had happened. He almost convinced me that I__ misread his signals._ Hallelujah pauses. __he whole time, I kept my mouth shut. I wish I hadn__. But I was still so humiliated. And I felt guilty. I made out with him. I liked it. And no one made me go to his room.__er voice breaks. She has to swallow past a lump in her throat.__ know Luke__ not a good guy. I know what he did isn__ my fault. It__ his. But still, none of it would__e happened if I hadn__ gone to his room.__he__ almost there. Almost done. Almost heard. Something deep inside her hurts like it hasn__ hurt in a long time. But she knows that this gash had to reopen in order to heal. That__ how wounds work. They need air.__ knew I__ get punished, and I did. My parents grounded me. I was put on youth group probation. But I honestly thought Luke__ lies would just fade away if I kept a low profile. There__ always gossip about someone. This time it was me._...__uke is still telling people about what supposedly happened that night,_ Hallelujah says. __nd he makes fun of me. All the time. What I look like, what I say, my name. And he does this thing at church: whenever we sing a hymn with my name in it, he sings it like he__ hooking up with me. He sings the word __allelujah_ at me. He moans it. And I hate it._ That__ one of the reasons she stopped singing: his voice, his fake grunts of satisfaction, ruining the music she loved so much.__ou said,_ she says to Jonah, __e wanted to keep me upset. To keep me from telling anyone what really happened. Well, it worked._ She pauses. __ntil now.___ntil now,_ Rachel repeats. Then she curses. __ can__ believe him. I can__ believe he got away with it.___ let him get away with it,_ Hallelujah says softly.__o. He__ the one who crossed the line. And okay, maybe you could__e spoken up sooner. But if no one pushed you for your side of the story, that__ on them._ Rachel yawns and stretches. __nd when we get home, we__e going to set the record straight.

I hate him._ She repeats it louder. __ hate him!_ She shouts it at the sky, even though it__ hard to shout lying down: __! Hate! Luke! Willis!__achel asks, __ut what did he do?__allelujah can hear Jonah waiting for her answer. She knows he__ waiting because he__ stopped making fire-building noises. He__ silent. Completely.She takes a deep breath. __e told a lie about me. Actually, a lot of lies. And people believed him. The grown-ups, because he__ the preacher__ son and he__ never do something bad. And everyone our age__ecause he__ popular and you don__ question the popular guy, because if you do, you__l stop being popular yourself. Or you__l never get the chance. And because of what he said, my parents stopped trusting me. I lost friends. I was just this loser who___he breaks off. Now she__ talking to Jonah. Even though he__ behind her and she can__ see him. __t doesn__ matter what you saw that night, or what he told you happened. Luke treated me like I was nothing, and you let him do it.__onah doesn__ answer.__ut that__ not what makes me the maddest,_ Hallelujah continues, pushing up to sit. __hat makes me the maddest is that I let it happen too. I didn__ stand up for myself. And when someone did tell me to stand up for myself, I got so mad___arah. She feels the emotion of their argument wash over her, fresh.__ pushed her away. I told her she didn__ understand anything. But she was right. I became this girl who wouldn__ stand up for herself. The quiet girl. The nothing girl. I just wanted it all to stop, but from the outside, without me having to make it stop. And I wanted to get away, but I figured, hey, college will get here eventually and then I__l be away, I just have to get there, and all the while I__ miserable, and I__ letting you guys make me miserable, letting you make me think I__ supposed to be miserable, that I__ supposed to be quiet, and I__ shutting people out, people who maybe actually care, and I hate myself for it._ An abrupt stop. The train of thought hits a wall.She__ never said that before. Never thought it before. Not consciously.But she knows, deeper than she__ ever known anything, that it__ true.Hallelujah has spent six months hating herself for being weak and silent and for letting bad things happen and for not fighting.