humor

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.

He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute.

Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his.

Where are your clothes? And do not pretend you do not know. I can accept that you may not know if you killed a man, but every girl always knows where her clothes are.

It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.

Her eyes filled. "He forgot my birthday, two weeks ago," she said. "It was the first one he had ever forgotten, in nineteen of them." Nineteen! Nineteen from thirty-five leaves sixteen!