humor

If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

Old-age sucks, but the alternative doesn't look that great, either.

They say love makes the world go around_ I been dizzy for a long time.

It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while.

There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect.

Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.

You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not

My name is Jane Delaney and I do things my paying customers can__ do, don__ want to do, don__ want to be seen doing, can__ bring themselves to do, and/or don__ want it to be known they__ paid someone to do. To dead people.