Is is as if life or reality itself has had it in mind all along to unravel the very design i have been trying all along to impose on it.
Honestly? I think all of this would be easier if I could point to one thing, one moment, one person, and say this is why. I could explain it, then. Understand the why of it. Blame it on something other than myself. If I were a victim, maybe it would keep everyone from being so frustrated with me. On a few occasions, I__e even considered making up something, just to see the sympathy that flashed in my mom__ eyes a second ago, just to have her be patient with me for more than a minute at a time. But I__ not a liar, so instead I get the frustrated, calculating way she__ glaring at me now. I__e seen it so many times before. It__ a look that makes my stomach ache.
Everything Between Us
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Honestly? I think all of this would be easier if I could point to one thing, one moment, one person, and say this is why. I could explain it, then. Understand the why of it. Blame it on something other than myself. If I were a victim, maybe it would keep everyone from being so frustrated with me. On a few occasions, I__e even considered making up something, just to see the sympathy that flashed in my mom__ eyes a second ago, just to have her be patient with me for more than a minute at a time. But I__ not a liar, so instead I get the frustrated, calculating way she__ glaring at me now. I__e seen it so many times before. It__ a look that makes my stomach ache.
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Now, however open a person manages to be, there is one possibility to which he remains as closed as ever: the possibility that when he uncovers his deepest anxieties he will find hidden inside them certain horrifying truths which his whole effort to control his life has been designed to keep repressed.
When we operate on the basis of the will to control, we are aware of only one kind of "evil": the failure of existence to conform to the plan we have for it.
What we work so hard to avoid is the shattering of our lives by horrors we know we will be helpless to control.
An uncertain evil causes anxiety because, at the bottom of one's heart, one goes on hoping till the last moment that it may not be true; a certain evil, on the other hand, instills, for a time, a kind of dreary tranquillity.
I can't believe what a state I got myself into over this. Everyone was right. They said it would just happen, and it did. I guess the best things do.