Roseanne Barr

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.

The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

You may marry the man of your dreams ladies but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.

To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.

I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.