Rachel Cohn

[S]he leans into this guy and rocks her head like I__ making this music for her, when if I could, I would take it all away and give her as much silence as she__ given me pain.

Beauty__ not only skin deep. Just because a person is beautifuldoesn__ mean there__ no soul beneath. Doesn__ meanthat person hasn__ suffered like everyone else, doesn__ meanthey don__ hope to still be a good human being in an awfulworld. (Gabriel)

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds.

Better to end this dream before it becomes a nightmare.

Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.

Can we try to be wise with each other for a very long time?

Friendship is love as much as any romance. And like any love, it__ difficult and treacherous and confusing. But in the moment when your knees touch, there__ nothing else you could ever want.

I__ looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,_ I declared.He did not respond.__t__ a book,_ I said. __ot a person.__ope. Nothing.__t the very least, can you tell me the author?__e looked at his computer, as if it had some way to speak to me without any typing on his part.__re you wearing headphones that I can__ see?_ I asked.He scratched at the inside of his elbow.__o you know me?_ I persisted. __id I grind you to a pulp in kindergarten, and are you now getting sadistic pleasure from this petty revenge?Stephen Little, is that you? Is it? I was much younger then, and foolish to have nearly drowned you in that water fountain. In my defense, yourprior destruction of my book report was a completely unwarranted act of aggression.__inally, a response. The information desk clerk shook his shaggy head.__o?_ I said.__ am not allowed to disclose the location of Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,_ he explained. __ot to you. Not to anyone. And while I am not StephenLittle, you should be ashamed of what you did to him. Ashamed.

I know it__ technically goodwill to all men, but in my mind, I drop the men because that feels segregationist/elitist/sexist/generally bad ist.Goodwill shouldn__ be just for men. It should also apply to women and children, and all animals, even the yucky ones like subway rats. I__ evenextend the goodwill not just to living creatures but to the dearly departed, and if we include them, we might as well include the undead, thosesupposedly mythic beings like vampires, and if they__e in, then so are elves, fairies, and gnomes. Heck, since we__e already being so generous in ourbig group hug, why not also embrace those supposedly inanimate objects like dolls and stu

I lost myself immediately in one of the books, only emerging when the phone rang.__ashiell?_ my father intoned. As if someone else with my voice might be answering the phone at my mother__ apartment.__es, Father?___eeza and I would like to wish you a merry Christmas.___hank you, Father. And to you, as well.__awkward pause][even more awkward pause]__ hope your mother isn__ giving you any trouble.__h, Father, I love it when you play this game.__he told me if I clean all the ashes out of the grate, then I__l be able to help my sisters get ready for the ball.___t__ Christmas, Dashiell. Can__ you give that attitude a rest?___erry Christmas, Dad. And thanks for the presents.___hat presents?_____ sorry__hose were all from Mom, weren__ they?___ashiell ___ gotta go. The gingerbread men are on

What's a slut?" I ask him."A girl who puts out too easily.""Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that."Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex."I wonder where Greer puts the sex out.

Well, well, well,_ Santa said once the elf had retreated. __ome and sit on my lap, little boy.__his Santa__ beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn__ fucking around.____ not really a little boy,_ I pointed out.__et on my lap, then, big boy.__ walked up to him. There wasn__ much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.__o ho ho!_ he chortled.I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.__ave you been a good little boy this year?_ he asked.I didn__ feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes.He actually wobbled with joy.__ood! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?__ thought it was obvious.__ message from Lily,_ I said. __hat__ what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.___o impatient!_ Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. __ut Santa does have a little something for you___e shifted a little inhis seat___ight under his coat. If you want to have your present, you__l have to rub Santa__ belly.___hat?_ I asked.He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. __o ahead.__ looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.__ou know you want it,_ he whispered.The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was.Fuck off, Lily. You can__ intimidate me.I reached right under Santa__ coat. To my horror, I found he wasn__ wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy _ andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, __h ho ho, ho ho oh ho!_ in my ear. I heard the elf scream, __hat the hell!_ and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. __W ho ho!_ he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. __ecurity__ here!_ the elf proclaimed.The letter was in my hand, damp but intact.__e touched Santa!_ a young child squealed.

There's no such thing as ready, there's only willing.

My brother, Langston, said, __ily, you don__ understand because you__e never been in love. If you had a boyfriend, you__ understand._ Langston has a new boyfriend and all I understand from that is a sorry state of co-dependence.

Dumped doesn't even begin to describe it. If you're going to use a trash metaphor, incinerated is more like it.

There is no such thing as a soulmate_and who would want there to be? I don__ want half of a shared soul. I want my own damn so

Because I withered under the glare of an actual invitation, I was a firm believer in preventive prevarication--in other words, lying early in order to free myself later on.

I hope I never love someone so much that they could hurt me the way Langston was hurt.