Lewis Black

My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

It__ absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we__e got rockets, we__e got saran wrap _ FIX IT!!!