Aspen Matis

I was passive by nature. I had always been. Arguing felt unnatural and uncomfortable. I was always agreeing even when I didn__ really, instinctively looking for ways to forfeit power, to become more dependent, to be taken care of. I realized how intensely Icecap reminded me of Jacob. They were similar, both diligent and harsh in their judgments__nd my big brother__ sureness had always comforted me.But as I ran on sore legs to keep up with Icecap, my tendency toward silence stressed me.

Beneath hot sun, desert roses bloomed. Under cold moon, I still refused to.

Water was liquid silver, water was gold. It was clarity__ sacred thing. Drinking was no longer something to take for granted. I__ never needed to consider water before.

The trees were friendly, they gave me rest and shadowed refuge. Slipping through them, I felt safe and competent. My whole body was occupied. I had little energy to think or worry.

A red leaf danced from a branch like a dropping flame, down into the calm blue lake. A gust had broken it free. There was a cold bite in the wind. It was now deep autumn in the mountains.

Somewhere in the sun-washed space between Southern California__ hills of sand and the present desolate volcanic sprawl I was crossing, my legs had strengthened, but _ invisibly _ so had my will. The wisdom of my body had cultivated vibrantly since those sadness-drunken months after the rape when I__ felt so numbed by the hurt and shame that I didn__ move further. No longer.

She told me that my rape was not my fault, that I should feel no shame, that _ simple as it may sound _ I hadn__ caused it. No one causes rape but rapists. No one causes rape but rapists. No one causes rape but rapists. It was true. And it had not been obvious to me. And hearing it from someone else, a professional, someone who should know, helped me believe that soon I would believe it.

Helplessness didn't have to be my identity, I wasn't condemned to it. I was willing - able - to change. Our enmeshment had been enabled by my belief that I needed [my mom] to help me, to take care of things for me - and to save me - but, back in the home where I'd learned this helplessness, I found I no longer felt that I was trapped in it.

In the power of my newfound strength, I saw clearly__ven though I__ been empowered to have my old college finally address my __orrific trauma,_ make me finally feel heard, this event would never have happened had I not first given myself my own voice, the permission to call my rape rape and not shame. In telling, I forced the school that silenced me, that minimized my trauma, that blamed me for the rape, to finally respect my voice and give me the platform they should have given me in the first place. I did not need the school to call it by its name; I did it myself, and they listened. I was the powerful party that brought the closure and empowerment I__ hoped, in first finding their invitation, that Colorado College would bring.

I had once again proven that again alone, I was again enough.

I had no evidence. No physical signs of my rape existed anymore. My body had already purged them. That was the irreversible reality.

If I could mark clearly, convincingly and consistently what was good for me and also what was bad__f I could say yes and also no, as if it were the law__t would become my law.

I was so much more powerful than anyone knew. I was an animal learning to fight back, instinctively, fiercely. I was a brave girl. I was a fit fox.I realized that the most empowering important thing was actually simply taking care of myself.

Absolutely devout in her complete care of my body, she had only taught me to be weak and voiceless. But I had unlearned that lesson. Our enmeshment no longer felt to me like proof of love. I was no longer willing to permit this silencing. Helplessness didn't have to be my identity, I wasn't condemned to it. I was willing__ble__o change. Our enmeshment had been enabled by my belief that I needed her to help me, to take care of things for me__nd to save me__ut, back in the home where I'd learned this helplessness, I found I no longer felt that I was trapped in it.

From that unremarkable gap in dense northern forest, I could finally see clearly that if I hadn__ walked away from school, through devastating beauty alone on the Pacific Crest Trail, met rattlesnakes and bears, fording frigid and remote rivers as deep as I am tall__eeling terror and the gratitude that followed the realization that I__ survived rape____ have remained lost, maybe for my whole life. The trail had shown me how to change.This is the story of how my recklessness became my salvation.I wrote it.

We aren__ afraid of what we can explain.But the truth is stranger than an aimless road, it always was. The world was full of blinding mysteries, and I was blind to truth of what they were. There were things about the world I couldn__ understand.

I felt unready to hold myself responsible for the decision if I slept with him

My mother overstated the dangers of the world _ invented threats. And so I saw: Starbursts_ hoof-made gelatin never gave me mad cow. Mad cow was not a threat to me. And so I thought: most risks weren__ truly real.