Andy Rooney

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job huge amounts of money a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If on the other hand happiness depends on a good breakfast flowers in the yard a drink or a nap then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

For most of life nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends then the chances are you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job huge amounts of money a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If on the other hand happiness depends on a good breakfast flowers in the yard a drink or a nap then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It__ just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.