Is is as if life or reality itself has had it in mind all along to unravel the very design i have been trying all along to impose on it.
Yet I also felt, for the first time, truly and sincerely pissed. It was enough already. Enough! I__ reached that point that comes in the life of most anxiety sufferers when, fed up by the constant waking torture, dejected and buckled but not yet crushed, they at last turn to their anxiety, to themselves, and say, __isten here: Fuck you. Fuck you! I am sick and fucking tired of this bullshit. I refuse to let you win. I am not going to take it anymore. You are ruining my fucking life and you MUST FUCKING DIE!_ Unfortunately, this approach rarely solves the problem. Anxiety doesn__ bend to absolutism. You have to take a subtler, more reasoned approach. But that doesn__ mean anger is totally unhelpful. Being pissed off is a strong cocktail for the will. It stiffens the spine. It strengthens resolve. It makes a person less willing to run away from the anxiety and more willing to walk into it, which you__e going to have to do, ultimately, if you don__ want to end up a complete agoraphobic. Anger breeds defiance, and defiance is inspiriting. It__ good to refuse to give in to anxiety. You just have to know how much you can take.
Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety
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Yet I also felt, for the first time, truly and sincerely pissed. It was enough already. Enough! I__ reached that point that comes in the life of most anxiety sufferers when, fed up by the constant waking torture, dejected and buckled but not yet crushed, they at last turn to their anxiety, to themselves, and say, __isten here: Fuck you. Fuck you! I am sick and fucking tired of this bullshit. I refuse to let you win. I am not going to take it anymore. You are ruining my fucking life and you MUST FUCKING DIE!_ Unfortunately, this approach rarely solves the problem. Anxiety doesn__ bend to absolutism. You have to take a subtler, more reasoned approach. But that doesn__ mean anger is totally unhelpful. Being pissed off is a strong cocktail for the will. It stiffens the spine. It strengthens resolve. It makes a person less willing to run away from the anxiety and more willing to walk into it, which you__e going to have to do, ultimately, if you don__ want to end up a complete agoraphobic. Anger breeds defiance, and defiance is inspiriting. It__ good to refuse to give in to anxiety. You just have to know how much you can take.
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Now, however open a person manages to be, there is one possibility to which he remains as closed as ever: the possibility that when he uncovers his deepest anxieties he will find hidden inside them certain horrifying truths which his whole effort to control his life has been designed to keep repressed.
When we operate on the basis of the will to control, we are aware of only one kind of "evil": the failure of existence to conform to the plan we have for it.
What we work so hard to avoid is the shattering of our lives by horrors we know we will be helpless to control.
An uncertain evil causes anxiety because, at the bottom of one's heart, one goes on hoping till the last moment that it may not be true; a certain evil, on the other hand, instills, for a time, a kind of dreary tranquillity.
I can't believe what a state I got myself into over this. Everyone was right. They said it would just happen, and it did. I guess the best things do.