Is is as if life or reality itself has had it in mind all along to unravel the very design i have been trying all along to impose on it.
We each have our own ways of sabotaging & keeping ourselves down_Do we need to remain the victim so strongly that we pull the ceiling down upon our own heads? There is a comfort in the familiar. Also, it is important to us to be in control because as children being abused we were not at all in control. In self-sabotage we can be both the victim & the victimizer.
Beyond Survival: A Writing Journey for Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse
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We each have our own ways of sabotaging & keeping ourselves down_Do we need to remain the victim so strongly that we pull the ceiling down upon our own heads? There is a comfort in the familiar. Also, it is important to us to be in control because as children being abused we were not at all in control. In self-sabotage we can be both the victim & the victimizer.
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Now, however open a person manages to be, there is one possibility to which he remains as closed as ever: the possibility that when he uncovers his deepest anxieties he will find hidden inside them certain horrifying truths which his whole effort to control his life has been designed to keep repressed.
When we operate on the basis of the will to control, we are aware of only one kind of "evil": the failure of existence to conform to the plan we have for it.
Despite the horror, we survivors were endowed with a will to survive. Or instinct. Or maybe it was faith.
You are afraid to lose, you don't react, you are afraid of the horror of something which can be brutal killings and such... You are prepared to a victim I can said from here!
What we work so hard to avoid is the shattering of our lives by horrors we know we will be helpless to control.